#DRUG#ADDICTION IN SAMOA IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED: PART II
Then it was my time, my time to be human, my time to seek my own remedy elsewhere, my time to pay him back for all the pain he’s caused me.
Several times I’ve fallen, I wasn’t the perfect faithful and obedient wife to him. Several times I’ve looked for attention from other men; for affection and love that he didn’t give me, several times I got lost in myself that I lost focus on my kids for a while, several times I would just drink until I got wasted and not remember the pain anymore. If I didn’t have the strength to retaliate physically, at least I could strike him where it hurts the most even if he doesn’t know or would later find out about it.
I would keep on condemning him for all the years I’ve wasted taking care of his addiction and causing me and my kids so much pain. For a while, I kept feeding him the drug indirectly; would give him money if he asks and would leave my purse anywhere easily accessible for him to go buy the drug and pretend I didn’t know about it. I got lost in the sexual pleasure that he gives me when he’s on the drug and would keep enabling him on the weekends for the sexual fantasies and sink ourselves in the lust. I would compromise with him and say yes to his drug for a party I wanted to go to or for something I wanted to do or for someone I wanted to go and see. I kept at it, as long as I could escape the pain for a while and do whatever I wanted.
If he asks all those questions, I would lie to myself, tell him the truth as he saw it and what he wanted to hear and it didn’t bother me anymore whether it was right or wrong, as long as there was peace in the house and there was no more fighting around our kids.
He wanted a yes; I’d give him a yes. He wanted a no; I’d give him a no. It felt good and my actions felt justified because he had hurt me for so long, this is what he gets and I’ll surrender to him even if I fall in the pit while doing so. It felt good indeed, but it lasted only for a fake short while.
Then GOD happened, oh dear patient reader, BUT GOD! Oh how such an awesome God we serve! My redeemer, my savior, my deliverer, my miracle worker, my promise keeper. He rekindled my first love for Him, reminded me of who I am in Him, reminded me of my worth in Him.
I was so depressed in taking care of his [my husband’s] addiction and I wanted the obvious miracle so bad; to make him change and drop his drugs. I just wanted the big and obvious change and miracle.
I’m living my life forward and understanding it backwards now, is reaching 2020 not miracle enough for me? Was that not God that kept my life while speeding recklessly on the road? Was that not Him that made me avoid the demonic drug when it was offered to me several times? Was that not Him that kept my kids safe the past 6 years? Was that not Him forgiving my past mistakes and waking me up again? Was that not Him that made me not kill my kids? Was that not Him that made me not commit suicide? Was that not Him keeping me sane all these years? Was that not Him taking care of my kids when I was away? Was that not Him that kept me alive all these years from a possible murder or accident surrounding drugs?
He delivered me from so many weaknesses, so many flaws, from depression, from feeling sorry for myself, from bitterness, from anger, from un-forgiveness, from revenge, from shame, from manipulation, from deception, from so many things that I couldn’t even imagine were there.
He pulled the curtains blocking my view. I saw my flaws and how I needed to work on myself. His Spirit never left my side, He had led me through the fire and in my darkest nights, He was closer like no other even though I didn’t know it. I had the support and love of His family and my family on both sides and my close group of friends that I took for granted many times over, that I failed to accept at times because my dramas were getting too common and too much, but it never held them back.
They were the people that stuck by me and the kids over the years with advice, lending us money, buying us food, letting us sleep over, paying our rent, paying for airfares to travel between American Samoa and Samoa so I could have the comfort of my parents' love again every now and then over the years.
I could never imagine the man I married doing any of the ugly, disgusting and sick things aforementioned but so did the wives who became the murdered and broken victims. This is how ugly it gets with the drug and you have no power and control over it when it becomes a habit and has taken too much. All the hallucinations of hearing voices, seeing people, being stalked, being hacked, being poisoned, all the paranoia, all the sexual pleasures, all the inhumane and incest thoughts, all the things that my husband did to me, these are all drug effects and are demonic and is why meth is called the devil’s drug.
There is more in the spiritual heavens surrounding drugs that we need to be aware of.
It changes the person mentally, psychologically, emotionally and physically, both real and over time. The man I married is a very talented piano player and the best I know in music production and recording and we’ve built a dream together of setting up our music recording studio one day, with several attempts before but all stolen by meth.
He’s a very smart guy with interests in electronics and technology, very committed to what he does, takes time on any task given to him until it’s to his version of perfection. He’s shy and quiet and compensated my opposite behavior well. He’s such a humble and patient person and the best father to our kids. He mostly cooks for our family, does the kids’ homework and plays with them more than I do. Drugs flipped that entirely, if not for all days, but most days since he became addicted.
Although we can pray for our loved ones fallen to meth addiction and continue to hope for them, the change will come only from their willing heart to turn to God and turn the situation downside over. It’ll never be my story to tell but his, never be my battle but the Lord’s. Let the scholars still debate whether drug addiction is a choice or a disease, but let God be God because there is no addiction too deep or no sin too great that God cannot heal and forgive. I know a few great women and men warriors close to my heart and life that have overcome drug addiction through the amazing grace of God! Praise him!
It’s been 7 months separated from my husband and the longest we’ve been apart. It was the hardest in the first few months but it became easier with time and prayer, seeking God’s strength on every single failure.
Of course the memories haunt me and I struggle day by day with decisions and choices I make to cope. It’s not easy to find trust again after it’s been given the millionth time over. I sometimes see my kids with all this bitterness screaming at each other and I have to keep breaking these strongholds in prayer because they grew up in an unhealthy environment, are they to blame?
While I’m still not 100% sure with where my life is heading right now and having questions here and there, one thing I am sure of is this; that the plans the Lord have for me are to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I will continue to trust in Him and His timing and I’m not putting anything on hold while waiting, just keep on pressing forward and do what I have to do now for my kids who are looking up to me.
Here I am oh patient reader and it’s nice to meet you, I'm Dim, thank you for reading this far.
Please share for our women out there struggling through the moody days of their husbands' drug addictions. They need our help.
Happy Mother’s day in advance to all you fighting warriors!
#staymotivated #motivateothers #stayencouraged #encourageothers #staypositive #buildothers
Romans 5: 1-5
(Part III will be published on Monday, May 11.)