Pago Pago, AMERICAN SAMOA — The holiday season is ‘supposed’ to be a merry time of the year; a time to make new and happy memories with loved ones. TV commercials feature bells ringing, bright colorful lights and music intended to create an atmosphere of happiness, love, and giving.

For many, it is a difficult and emotional time of the year. In addition to everyday stressors like fa’alavelave, work, loss, and just downright evil people, there are those among us who are tasked with taking care of a loved one. It may be an elderly parent, a sick family member, or someone just down on their luck. It is a task of compassion, and a test of patience; a task requiring time and effort and a test of one’s will and faith. 

A caregiver of a cancer patient, especially a patient diagnosed within the last 12 months is going through added stress. Cancer is a disease of unknowns. It is unknown whether the cancer will respond positively to treatment. It is unknown how the patient will react to the treatment, the type of side effects that will result from it, and how long any positive effects may last. Cancer treatment is a long, unpredictable process. The patient’s life is on the line, and this is not a stress that goes away when you close your eyes for the night.

During the holidays, caregivers of cancer patients, regardless of how independent the patient is, need special attention. Because for them, the season may not be ‘merry’, the bells and lights can be annoying. The whole atmosphere of happiness and love can be tiresome and sad for someone who is giving, every day, 24-hours a day. It is especially hard on a caregiver because he or she is watching a loved one suffer through cancer, many times without anyone else there because the patient doesn’t want to share this experience.

Of course, there are those caregivers who are unusually resilient. There are those who have a strong support system, and even stronger patient support system. But every person has a breaking point.

After researching many, many resources the following ‘Tips’ seem to be the most relevant for caregivers on our island. If you are a caregiver, or know someone who is, make an effort to try a few.

Tip #1: Find your tribe. A cancer diagnosis isn’t resolved overnight. Five years in remission is the typical measure of being ‘cancer-free’. So, you’ll need to find that core group of people who are in it with you for the long haul. You can be a tribe of two. You may find them in a social network, a church group or counseling support group. Whatever feels comfortable and meets your needs — but find your people because you can’t do this alone.

Tip #2:  Acknowledge and accept that life will not be the same for a long time. You have a ‘new normal’. You may be worried about the future, disappointed at how life has turned out, sad over the fact that the merry holidays don’t feel so merry right now. You may also be struggling with the fact that life is out of your control right now. Share your feelings with a counselor, pastor, good friend, your tribe.  Option — you don’t have to ‘talk’. There are other ways of expressing your feelings: painting, writing, running — draw it out, write it out, work it out. Which leads in to the next tip . . .

Tip #3: Take care of yourself. Mini-breaks, even just a drive to the other side of the island, breathing in fresh air and listening to music, can relieve your mind of the tension that may be building.  Accept help — caregiving doesn’t require a professional degree — it does require compassion. Allow family members and friends to visit with your patient. Take them up on offers to sit with your patient for a few hours — your patient may appreciate new faces and conversations! 

Tip #4: Talk with your loved one about upcoming ‘celebrations’, adjust your expectations, and plan for the future. Family traditions may not be possible this year. Being in public, being out of bed, even smiling for all those Facebook posts, may not be possible this year. Talk with your patient about what WOULD be possible, and make sure to have a back-up plan in case he or she doesn’t feel up to it when the time comes. Instead of dwelling on what ‘was’ and how the holidays ‘used to be’, enjoy the special moments today and focus on making new traditions, and new memories. Stay flexible and roll with it. My mantra: it is what it is!

Cancer can be emotionally, financially and physically draining for the patient, and the caregiver.  During this holiday season remember what Christmas and the New Year are about. Forget the expectations, forgive those who don’t understand, and focus on the lives you’re living today.

Faith will get you through the most difficult of times, and love will carry you through every day.