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Hawkeye: Lookin Fo Da Reindeer

Words to Ponder: “The Waste of time is the most extravagant of all expense.” [Theophrastus]

Well fans, it is nearly that time of the year again when we all rush to the Banks to draw out our hard earned Tupe, [money] in that we may get the Trees, and the gifts that go under them. We will lie to our Chiren with straight faces as we tell them where the Easter Bunny stays during the Holiday Season. There is nothing wrong with this fans, however by the time the offspring gets to be 12-13 years of age, and he or she has not figured it out yet, we might consider breaking their bubble and tell them that Santa Clause is in fact real, and living somewhere in the Middle East.

Anyway, this is the time of year to rush out and go in to debt to make sure we please every member of the household, on the eve of old “what’s–his–name” clambering down our chimneys. Hawkeye had a redneck Cousin that wasn’t too clever. Hawkeye asked him one Christmas where he had come by a new “Erector Set.” He told Hawkeye: “Old Santy Brung eet ta mee!”  Hawkeye said: “excuse me cuz, but did ah here you write?” He said: “yup. Ah seen eet wit ma own eye.” [He had poked his eye out when he was smarter, thus he wore a glass eye.] Hawkeye told his Cousin that he promised not to tell anyone as long as he would allow him to play with his “Erector Set.” He declined Hawkeye this simple request and he is to this day famous for being the biggest “Dumb A*#” in Peach Bottom Township!

Hawkeyes old dead redneck daddy used to get his holidays all mixed up. He was a practicing atheist so it really didn’t make any difference if it was the Easter bunny, or old St. Nick that brought him his “Opossum Stew.” On top of that, he didn’t think it was a big deal when Hawkeyes Auntie told him that Hawkeye had spilled the beans to his cousin regarding “Old Santy!”

Things seem to be shaping up here on “Fantasy Island” these days folks. There is a Carls Jr. Soda Cup installed in the middle of the Mickey Dees Twaffic Circle. This is most likely a spotter for the new Bronze Hawkeye Statue that is to be installed there in the year 2525. There is one thing for sure fans: the PWD Highway division in conglomeration with our resident Kiwi’s, and our fine Local Contractors are making road conditions better for we the Hooterville Motorists during the holiday season. Anything would have been an improvement, and Hawkeye for one, certainly does appreciate the efforts to make things easier 

For we the Motorists of Wonderland during this Yule Tide Season, and beyond.. Over. Sweet Leanor said to Hawkeye as they were heading out to our one and only International Terminal there by the USARTC that she never thought that we would see that stretch of Highway improvement in this century! This road has been screwed up for decades, and Hawkeye wishes to thank the PWD People for paying attention to duty, especially Thanks to Sina, Puna, and last but not least the Guvnah!

Hawkeye was listening to the radio the other day and he noticed that the Campaign advertisements are beginning to air. Good luck to all you fine candidates and residents of Hooterville! Go get em! Give em Hell! etc. etc.

Oh, and watch that roadside begging: it is against the law, as selling fish that are hanging from the trees. Don’t forget to get your campaigning permits, and keep it kleen and honest throughout the campaigns. Be polite during all Debates, and do not attempt to outdo the other candidate to excess, as it could possibly backfire on you! Humm.. Do not attempt to pick your nose during presidential debates. EENNUUFF Over..

We can all breathe a little easier now that Hawkeye has read where the Mayans never actually said that the world as we know it will end on December 12th 2012. The only thing they seemed to be sure of is that time will stop that day. Who knows? Please do take some well placed advice from a fellow Homo: Do not pack your Chariots too far in to the storage shed as you still might need them. No one has asked the Inca’s what they think of the Mayan Calendar ending in 2012. As the clock strikes midnight on December 12, 2012, [Which happens to be exactly one year from this writing,] we should all hold our breath, as well as our A%s#s, when that witching hour arrives..

Oh well, it could be worse: we could all be speaking Mandarin Chinese by the year 2012 if our economy doesn’t take a sharp turn upwards!

But what does this all have to do with Bingo at the Veterans Memorial? Humm..

We can always rent the H. Rex Lee Auditorium for an evening of Bingo.

Hawkeye and Sweet Leanor will be lookin forward to a visit from “OLD SANTY!”

Love to all until next week,

Hawkeye & Leanor.

[DISCLAIMER: This commentary or column does not necessarily reflect the views of Samoa News.]